Corporate Euphemisms

The real meaning of some Corporate Lingo.

Competitive Salary:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

Join Our Fast-Paced Company:
We have no time to train you

Casual Work Atmosphere:
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up-well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

Must Be Deadline Oriented:
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

Some Overtime Required:
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

Duties Will Vary:
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

Must Have An Eye For Detail:
We have no quality control.

Career-Minded:
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

Apply In Person:
If you're old, fat or ugly you?ll be told the position has been filled.

No Phone Calls Please:
We've filled the job, our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

Seeking Candidates With A Wide Variety Of Experience:
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

Problem-Solving Skills A Must:
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

Requires Team Leadership Skills:
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

Good Communication Skills:
Management communicates, you, figure out what they want and do.

I'm Extremely Adept At All Manner Of Office Organization:
I've used Microsoft Office.

I'm Honest, Hard-Working And Dependable:
I pilfer office supplies.

My Pertinent Work Experience Includes:
I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

I Take Pride In My Work:
I blame others for my mistakes.

I'm Personable:
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co- workers.

I'm Extremely Professional:
I carry a Day-Timer.

I Am Adaptable:
I've changed jobs a lot.

I Am On The Go:
I'm never at my desk.